( It's a habit he needs to break him of, except when Dean deserves the apology. And, usually, Dean is overreacting. He knows. This isn't Rowena's death level betrayal, this is pie and mid-morning. )
First, that festival's not a festival, it's like, Celebration Time, Duplicity. There's probably only trouble there. And second, it's Valentines Day. When's the last Valentines Day you think I've celebrated. Or, you celebrated. Is that what you want to celebrate?
[Castiel looks at him then for a long time, something bordering on understanding. He was quick to apologize because of the way things had been for the two of them at home, touch and go, always walking on eggshells. With that still present on his mind, it's easy to forget they've established something for themselves here.
With a sigh, Castiel sits back down, this time not stopping to make sure he isn't on Dean's legs. He figures sitting in the same place is a safe bet.]
Do you want to celebrate? [Castiel understood the holiday to be a romantic one, commercialized or not. His blue eyes are earnest, despite his impartiality. Dean had asked first, maybe it's wrong to put the question back in his lap but it's a fair proposition. Is and Do, two very different things.]
( He gets one foot, that slides out from under him as Dean shifts. He had sat himself forward. It's fine.
All Cas does is continuously reframe his questions, lobbing them back at the hunter with cool ease. )
No, I'm not going to tell you my answer until you say yours. This is even ground. You have to tell me what you want now. Give and take. That's -- ( A relationship, but he stops himself. ) You gotta give me something. Tell me how you feel. When you feel it. Only way we'll feel equal in this, especially after we get married.
( Cas knows the way he described what happened with Steve and the contracts themselves, they feel like marriages. So, as earnest as he is at first, he does devolve into a more playful tone by the time he gets around to the word: married. )
[It's not wrong to want to seek out guidance from Dean after years of doing that to navigate the human world. Even ground felt a lot like being under a microscope, and the joke at the expense of this new life they were living is proof that Dean's enjoying having the upper hand of experience on his side even if he doesn't state it.
Castiel narrows his eyes and leans forward into Dean's personal space. As close as they'd been standing the night that he learned the term.] Married.
Well, Dean. To answer your question, test-driving the car before you buy is just good sense.
You're about to sell a lot of your time to me, permanently. I think you should know if you're capable of being with me without being drugged.
( Shit. Talk about someone calling your bluff. Dean doesn't lean back, or even breathe, as Cas moves in close. To Dean, he used to test drive every car, and only to test drive, never with designs on buying the car. Lisa was his last shot at a happy ending, and then after that he thought he, Sam, and Cas could retire somewhere sunny. Happiness evolves over time and thinking about it, happiness to Dean is very specific now, especially in a place like this. And shouldn't he be able to explore that happiness?
So, gay chicken commences, except, Dean's not about to back down and Cas is the initiator. Also, if two people want something, can it be called chicken?
His throat dry, mouth inches away from Cas, Dean quotes himself. )
Not for nothing, Cas, but the last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid.
[That's something else, Castiel like Dean couldn't back down from a challenge. He gave as good as he got, and he stayed present no matter how he felt about a situation.
In this case, he felt far too much, and Dean's joke only ushers that along into a new momentum. One fueled partly by stubbornness, and the rest by desire.]
You ass.
[It needs to be said, even though he follows it up by a palm to Dean's jaw, firm but not tight. He slides into Dean's lap and watches his face, to be sure that he was paying attention. He knew Dean was in nothing but underwear beneath the covers, and it thrills him, and it thrills him, even more, to be in his bed.] You smell like Strawberries.
[At the sudden jostling, the movement, and all the talking Miracle exits the room to get peace so she can rest. Not that Castiel blames her. He lets Dean's jaw go, watches her leave, and then looks back to Dean, expectant.]
( He smirks , watching Miracle give them the privacy they'll need, as Cas slides forward. They both look back at one another at the same time as Dean exhales, his smile still apparent, before pulling Cas' face down and giving him a welcome, morning, come get it kiss all-in-one.
He lays them back, letting Cas dictate what he needs, even though he's done good enough so far.
Could you have told him he'd have a Valentines Day morning lay, he wouldn't have believed you. Steve and him aren't that, right? And Max deserves someone to make her the center of Valentines Day and that's not Dean.
[It's the first time since he's been out of the coma that he's been able to put his hands on Dean in anything more than a friendly way. The pressure he'd built up to it falls away, and Castiel answers Dean's kiss by nibbling on his lower lip when he pulls back to pull his jacket off and the shirt along with it.
As satisfying as it would be to stay there kissing him and applying friction until they both made it across the threshold of another little death Castiel has other plans. He realigns their lips, a little greedier this time when he curls his tongue around Dean's.]
( As fun as dry-humping, and everything else they've done, don't think Dean hasn't contemplated taking things to the next level. If it was with anyone (before anyone else), it would be with Cas. He's thought about it, about the mechanics of how it would work. He knows the basics (does he?) but not what really happens or how. With Cas on top like this, he feels along for the ride, happy to go with Cas' flow.
[Castiel who has been waiting for four years and several months to take things further with Dean remains patient, and dedicated. His bed is comfortable, and he considers that for a moment before continuing.]
I could give you another blowjob. Do you want to be inside of me?
( While the first offer is always tempting. Dean's a guy. Yes please to blowjobs is usually the answer, but Dean's also the fuck 'em and leave 'em type. As much as he liked a girl with an oral fixation, he gave as good as he got, and it's something he and Castiel haven't done. It's something he and any man hasn't done before. He hesitates, but not because he's not interested, not because Cas hasn't expanded his horizons and punched some of his walls down, but because he knows the basic mechanics. And so, he does what Cas has done to him time and again. )
Do you want me inside you?
( He knows the basics. He's been with kinky waitresses and barflies. He has lube in his drawer. He has patience. But, he needs to know Cas wants this and isn't just offering up yet another part of his vessel, his body, or his being. )
[Dean's lips flush and pink remind him of a time before he'd drift back home when Dean had been eager to please and that same pretty mouth had been wrapped around him in a carnal fashion. It's easy to understand now, the allure of iniquity, he's aching to be closer to him and to make a home in his lap where their hips meet.]
Dean.
[His brows are set downward and wrinkle his nose over flushed cheeks. He doesn't see Dean's question for what it is- selfless and instead reads it as being toyed with, their verbal cat and mouse not foreign to him.] You know the answer.
[Castiel grips Dean's shoulders a little harder, to emphasize how badly he wanted this. How much he wanted him. Inch by inch, mile by mile, he was willing to take whatever he was given. Castiel leans forward to connect their mouths again, one hand at the back of his neck firmly guiding his hips into an experimental roll down onto the thick heat he can feel against Dean's lap under him.]
( Yeah, he knows the answer, but he needed the answer. He needed to hear it from his lips. And from those lips to C.R.eator's ears or eyes as Cas envelops him again, moves his hips down against him, and shows him exactly how much he wants it. His kiss burns against his lips, groaning against Cas as he squeezes his lower back and side when he pushes.
He leans upward, hands traveling up Cas' body, fingers running along his back as he breaks the kiss again.
Breathless, he answers, nodding, lips dragging along Cas' as he talks. )
Okay.
( He cradles Cas' lower back, supporting him as he switches their positions, rolling them over. He presses against him again. Looking down at his face, at the reactions he has and the movements, all his little quirks, Dean's own mouth quirks.
It's time for an unsexy question. )
I uh - I've done this with women. And not many. Most - don't.
[It feels good to be in Dean's hands like this, like a smaller being - one capable of much less, something not infinite and without equal. Being with Dean has always made him feel more human, more - just more. Something outside of the requirements of his kind, something with ambitions set aside from the typical and now he can give a name to the experience. Love, yes, but more than that. The years haven't been kind to them and trust is partnered with it, trust and experience, and things Castiel doesn't know how to name yet and couldn't. He knows that he'd give him anything and the desire to be wrapped up, swept under into the maelstrom of passion is too much. He's grateful when Dean changes their position - and a little surprised. He's experienced it before, of course, but not the same - nowhere near as intimate.]
I'm not - [A woman, or a person, or anything that can be ascribed to either but he doesn't finish. Castiel's lips quirk into a smile, answering the slight whisper of Dean's own.] Do you think you're capable of scandalizing me? After everything?
( They are themselves, finite in this moment and entwined. )
It's not - ( he looks away, a wry smile forming, trying to form what he's trying to say. not to scandalize the angel, but to be honest, and yes, Cas, your vessel? it's male.
he looks back again, hands bracing against the mattress above Cas. ) I'm not scandalizing you, but you're in a guy. Male vessel. I'm not -- I haven't. The girl - prepared. Wanted it. Asked.
( it's not scandalizing, but it is awkward. sex is sex, you talk through it but not the logistics. when he was younger, it was younger. it was, 'that feel good?' or, him knowing yeah, it feels good. this is different. he's talking through it, making it less sexy in order to get to the sex.
with cas.
which is an entirely different thing. but not bad different. it's good different, he feels, as he pins the angel into the mattress. )
[The pin is only successful because Castiel allows to it be, his neck is twinged a little pink a ghost of a smile still visible on his features when he directs a solid raise of his hips right against where he can feel Dean wanting. Is it petty? Maybe, but Castiel wouldn't have asked for it if he wanted it or if he didn't know how it all worked.
The awkwardness isn't what he feels, that sort of tension is beyond him, he's analytical by nature always seeking to improve, and so moments like these vulnerable but not aren't embarrassing. Not for him. Maybe a bit for Dean, and his eyes soften as that thought makes itself known to him.]
Fingering me isn't unlike doing it with a woman. It just requires the lube beforehand, and then more of it later on. I can do it myself - if you want. [Castiel doesn't even really need to be stretched open, but he prefers it to the tearing and the reconnecting tissue that distracts him from everything else. As far as foreplay is concerned it's something he likes, even though his experience with all of that is somewhat limited compared to others.] You can watch?
( While the idea is foreign, but appealing, Dean has always been the tactile, active brother. As hot as it was watching, being the voyeur (Dean did love his porn at one time), he thinks he wants to be the finger working at Cas. )
I - uh...
( His brain blue-screens only for a second, before knowing he wants to be involved. If he and Cas are going to do this, he's going to be one half of it.
Leaning over him, he drags himself across to reach into his night stand for his container of lube. He snaps the cap open and sits back. )
[His tendency to look at things clinically also pertained to his views of sex, but not here. Not now. This was Dean, and if there's a raucous nervousness beating around in his ribcage it's because of that. Because of him. He steadies himself by twisting his fingers into Dean's bedsheets, something sensory to focus on while watching him.]
Part of me was worried. [He knows he has to explain and clears his throat when he realizes that - and the truth of the matter, that this might not be the best time to bring it up.] That you wouldn't be here when I woke up again. That the city might see fit to take you back.
( Even though history could repeat itself. He's heard he left the first time, left Castiel alone. That the city tends to intervene and take and take. He flicks the lube closed again. )
Is it true you don't remember anything when you're under? That you're just living our life and then you're back?
[Not without you. Something about it seeps into his skin making him feel warm and comfortable under Dean's gaze. Castiel takes his time getting out of his jeans, having some space while Dean busies himself with other things. The conversation gives them some leeway and he takes it, eyes never leaving Dean as he continues.]
It's true. It took a while for every memory to return.
( It's twisted, having this conversation while Cas gets emotionally naked along with physically, but Dean keeps his gaze on Cas as he waits for him to get ready, as he answers. )
[Castiel doesn't see it that way, but he can feel some sense of that in Dean and with a gentle sigh, he leans forward, just enough to rest the scruff of his jaw against some of his bare skin.
It's intimate, in a way that Castiel hasn't let himself be with Dean yet but those memories compiled with these ones, he feels bolder than they were normally.] Everything I experienced. Yes. The snow, the flowers, your birthday at the bar...
In the time I've known you, you've never been much for celebrating your birthday.
[Not that Castiel understands the purpose of it, to begin with, it was more a celebration of surviving another year. Being that Dean so often didn't see his worth or refused to recognize his successes it was on-brand for him to not make much of a thing about his day of birth.]
I made an appearance but I knew you'd want some time to yourself when all was said and done.
( Yeah, that's more deep seated and about himself than anything. Holidays on the road don't make good holidays. When you're fending for your next meal, your birthday doesn't rank. )
With -- some due respect, you didn't ask. You keep assuming what I want, what I need, offering yourself up, saying I don't owe you anything. Promise me, you're going to start thinking for yourself, and stop assuming what I want. Say more, Cas. When in doubt, ask. I wasn't kicking you out of my birthday. But I knew you also weren't ... on my page.
( Well, this is quickly spiraling. )
When all was said and done, yeah. But, all wasn't said and done until late.
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( It's a habit he needs to break him of, except when Dean deserves the apology. And, usually, Dean is overreacting. He knows. This isn't Rowena's death level betrayal, this is pie and mid-morning. )
First, that festival's not a festival, it's like, Celebration Time, Duplicity. There's probably only trouble there. And second, it's Valentines Day. When's the last Valentines Day you think I've celebrated. Or, you celebrated. Is that what you want to celebrate?
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With a sigh, Castiel sits back down, this time not stopping to make sure he isn't on Dean's legs. He figures sitting in the same place is a safe bet.]
Do you want to celebrate? [Castiel understood the holiday to be a romantic one, commercialized or not. His blue eyes are earnest, despite his impartiality. Dean had asked first, maybe it's wrong to put the question back in his lap but it's a fair proposition. Is and Do, two very different things.]
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All Cas does is continuously reframe his questions, lobbing them back at the hunter with cool ease. )
No, I'm not going to tell you my answer until you say yours. This is even ground. You have to tell me what you want now. Give and take. That's -- ( A relationship, but he stops himself. ) You gotta give me something. Tell me how you feel. When you feel it. Only way we'll feel equal in this, especially after we get married.
( Cas knows the way he described what happened with Steve and the contracts themselves, they feel like marriages. So, as earnest as he is at first, he does devolve into a more playful tone by the time he gets around to the word: married. )
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Castiel narrows his eyes and leans forward into Dean's personal space. As close as they'd been standing the night that he learned the term.] Married.
Well, Dean. To answer your question, test-driving the car before you buy is just good sense.
You're about to sell a lot of your time to me, permanently. I think you should know if you're capable of being with me without being drugged.
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So, gay chicken commences, except, Dean's not about to back down and Cas is the initiator. Also, if two people want something, can it be called chicken?
His throat dry, mouth inches away from Cas, Dean quotes himself. )
Not for nothing, Cas, but the last time someone looked at me like that, I got laid.
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In this case, he felt far too much, and Dean's joke only ushers that along into a new momentum. One fueled partly by stubbornness, and the rest by desire.]
You ass.
[It needs to be said, even though he follows it up by a palm to Dean's jaw, firm but not tight. He slides into Dean's lap and watches his face, to be sure that he was paying attention. He knew Dean was in nothing but underwear beneath the covers, and it thrills him, and it thrills him, even more, to be in his bed.] You smell like Strawberries.
[At the sudden jostling, the movement, and all the talking Miracle exits the room to get peace so she can rest. Not that Castiel blames her. He lets Dean's jaw go, watches her leave, and then looks back to Dean, expectant.]
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( He smirks , watching Miracle give them the privacy they'll need, as Cas slides forward. They both look back at one another at the same time as Dean exhales, his smile still apparent, before pulling Cas' face down and giving him a welcome, morning, come get it kiss all-in-one.
He lays them back, letting Cas dictate what he needs, even though he's done good enough so far.
Could you have told him he'd have a Valentines Day morning lay, he wouldn't have believed you. Steve and him aren't that, right? And Max deserves someone to make her the center of Valentines Day and that's not Dean.
In some ways, of course it's Cas. )
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[It's the first time since he's been out of the coma that he's been able to put his hands on Dean in anything more than a friendly way. The pressure he'd built up to it falls away, and Castiel answers Dean's kiss by nibbling on his lower lip when he pulls back to pull his jacket off and the shirt along with it.
As satisfying as it would be to stay there kissing him and applying friction until they both made it across the threshold of another little death Castiel has other plans. He realigns their lips, a little greedier this time when he curls his tongue around Dean's.]
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It's still morning, they can be lazy. )
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[Castiel who has been waiting for four years and several months to take things further with Dean remains patient, and dedicated. His bed is comfortable, and he considers that for a moment before continuing.]
I could give you another blowjob. Do you want to be inside of me?
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Do you want me inside you?
( He knows the basics. He's been with kinky waitresses and barflies. He has lube in his drawer. He has patience. But, he needs to know Cas wants this and isn't just offering up yet another part of his vessel, his body, or his being. )
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Dean.
[His brows are set downward and wrinkle his nose over flushed cheeks. He doesn't see Dean's question for what it is- selfless and instead reads it as being toyed with, their verbal cat and mouse not foreign to him.] You know the answer.
[Castiel grips Dean's shoulders a little harder, to emphasize how badly he wanted this. How much he wanted him. Inch by inch, mile by mile, he was willing to take whatever he was given. Castiel leans forward to connect their mouths again, one hand at the back of his neck firmly guiding his hips into an experimental roll down onto the thick heat he can feel against Dean's lap under him.]
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He leans upward, hands traveling up Cas' body, fingers running along his back as he breaks the kiss again.
Breathless, he answers, nodding, lips dragging along Cas' as he talks. )
Okay.
( He cradles Cas' lower back, supporting him as he switches their positions, rolling them over. He presses against him again. Looking down at his face, at the reactions he has and the movements, all his little quirks, Dean's own mouth quirks.
It's time for an unsexy question. )
I uh - I've done this with women. And not many. Most - don't.
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I'm not - [A woman, or a person, or anything that can be ascribed to either but he doesn't finish. Castiel's lips quirk into a smile, answering the slight whisper of Dean's own.] Do you think you're capable of scandalizing me? After everything?
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It's not - ( he looks away, a wry smile forming, trying to form what he's trying to say. not to scandalize the angel, but to be honest, and yes, Cas, your vessel? it's male.
he looks back again, hands bracing against the mattress above Cas. ) I'm not scandalizing you, but you're in a guy. Male vessel. I'm not -- I haven't. The girl - prepared. Wanted it. Asked.
( it's not scandalizing, but it is awkward. sex is sex, you talk through it but not the logistics. when he was younger, it was younger. it was, 'that feel good?' or, him knowing yeah, it feels good. this is different. he's talking through it, making it less sexy in order to get to the sex.
with cas.
which is an entirely different thing. but not bad different. it's good different, he feels, as he pins the angel into the mattress. )
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The awkwardness isn't what he feels, that sort of tension is beyond him, he's analytical by nature always seeking to improve, and so moments like these vulnerable but not aren't embarrassing. Not for him. Maybe a bit for Dean, and his eyes soften as that thought makes itself known to him.]
Fingering me isn't unlike doing it with a woman. It just requires the lube beforehand, and then more of it later on. I can do it myself - if you want. [Castiel doesn't even really need to be stretched open, but he prefers it to the tearing and the reconnecting tissue that distracts him from everything else. As far as foreplay is concerned it's something he likes, even though his experience with all of that is somewhat limited compared to others.] You can watch?
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I - uh...
( His brain blue-screens only for a second, before knowing he wants to be involved. If he and Cas are going to do this, he's going to be one half of it.
Leaning over him, he drags himself across to reach into his night stand for his container of lube. He snaps the cap open and sits back. )
Let me.
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[His tendency to look at things clinically also pertained to his views of sex, but not here. Not now. This was Dean, and if there's a raucous nervousness beating around in his ribcage it's because of that. Because of him. He steadies himself by twisting his fingers into Dean's bedsheets, something sensory to focus on while watching him.]
Part of me was worried. [He knows he has to explain and clears his throat when he realizes that - and the truth of the matter, that this might not be the best time to bring it up.] That you wouldn't be here when I woke up again. That the city might see fit to take you back.
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( Even though history could repeat itself. He's heard he left the first time, left Castiel alone. That the city tends to intervene and take and take. He flicks the lube closed again. )
Is it true you don't remember anything when you're under? That you're just living our life and then you're back?
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It's true. It took a while for every memory to return.
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And now that they're back?
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It's intimate, in a way that Castiel hasn't let himself be with Dean yet but those memories compiled with these ones, he feels bolder than they were normally.] Everything I experienced. Yes. The snow, the flowers, your birthday at the bar...
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( But, it suited his purpose. )
Sorry I didn't ask you to stay longer.
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[Not that Castiel understands the purpose of it, to begin with, it was more a celebration of surviving another year. Being that Dean so often didn't see his worth or refused to recognize his successes it was on-brand for him to not make much of a thing about his day of birth.]
I made an appearance but I knew you'd want some time to yourself when all was said and done.
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With -- some due respect, you didn't ask. You keep assuming what I want, what I need, offering yourself up, saying I don't owe you anything. Promise me, you're going to start thinking for yourself, and stop assuming what I want. Say more, Cas. When in doubt, ask. I wasn't kicking you out of my birthday. But I knew you also weren't ... on my page.
( Well, this is quickly spiraling. )
When all was said and done, yeah. But, all wasn't said and done until late.
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