( Even though history could repeat itself. He's heard he left the first time, left Castiel alone. That the city tends to intervene and take and take. He flicks the lube closed again. )
Is it true you don't remember anything when you're under? That you're just living our life and then you're back?
[Not without you. Something about it seeps into his skin making him feel warm and comfortable under Dean's gaze. Castiel takes his time getting out of his jeans, having some space while Dean busies himself with other things. The conversation gives them some leeway and he takes it, eyes never leaving Dean as he continues.]
It's true. It took a while for every memory to return.
( It's twisted, having this conversation while Cas gets emotionally naked along with physically, but Dean keeps his gaze on Cas as he waits for him to get ready, as he answers. )
[Castiel doesn't see it that way, but he can feel some sense of that in Dean and with a gentle sigh, he leans forward, just enough to rest the scruff of his jaw against some of his bare skin.
It's intimate, in a way that Castiel hasn't let himself be with Dean yet but those memories compiled with these ones, he feels bolder than they were normally.] Everything I experienced. Yes. The snow, the flowers, your birthday at the bar...
In the time I've known you, you've never been much for celebrating your birthday.
[Not that Castiel understands the purpose of it, to begin with, it was more a celebration of surviving another year. Being that Dean so often didn't see his worth or refused to recognize his successes it was on-brand for him to not make much of a thing about his day of birth.]
I made an appearance but I knew you'd want some time to yourself when all was said and done.
( Yeah, that's more deep seated and about himself than anything. Holidays on the road don't make good holidays. When you're fending for your next meal, your birthday doesn't rank. )
With -- some due respect, you didn't ask. You keep assuming what I want, what I need, offering yourself up, saying I don't owe you anything. Promise me, you're going to start thinking for yourself, and stop assuming what I want. Say more, Cas. When in doubt, ask. I wasn't kicking you out of my birthday. But I knew you also weren't ... on my page.
( Well, this is quickly spiraling. )
When all was said and done, yeah. But, all wasn't said and done until late.
Castiel cranes his head up to get a better look at Dean, the tension in his shoulders and the crease of his brow. There's some heaviness here, but Castiel didn't feel like it was anything borne of frustration or resentment.]
I can't promise you that, but I will promise to do my best. I won't make assumptions and I'll speak to my concerns. [Even in the totality of having freedom he still had a cause to follow, things that drove his ambitions. Much as he might not want to be, Castiel was a creature of habit and he was predisposed to it. Wired that way.] I knew you weren't kicking me out.
( He lets his head fall against Cas' lightly, as he takes his promise in. It's like an embrace without arms, with Dean's warmth and Castiel's proximity feeling just as secure. Dropping the tube of lube down onto the mattress, he leans back then, grasps Cas' hips and slides him forward to position him better. )
I know, Dean. [I always want to be with you, is unsaid but clear in the way he allows himself to be guided, his hand on one of Dean's wrists a wordless promise to be more attentive in the future.] The same goes for you, I may not be great at vocalizing but on occasion, you aren't either. If something upsets you or you have a concern or something on your mind I expect you to voice it.
( He slips Cas' underwear lower, over his ass and down his legs. He's not used to it being like this, to being in his right mind. And maybe Cas' dick isn't what he's thinking about (or his hole, gross, is that what guys call it), but sex itself, and doing this with Cas, this propels his actions. He does remember Cas - Jimmy's penis - in his hand and in his mouth, and it's different like this, half hard and waiting for Dean's finger.
His dick.
Picking up the lube, he snaps it open and squeezes a little along one finger. Snapping it closed again, rubbing it in. )
[His physical anatomy is the least of his concern right now, his eyes are on Dean and on what they're doing- about to do. It's more than anything they've ever done together and without aphrodisiacs to help things along. Dean's new to this, he knows, and a wry smile finds its way onto his face, kept at bay when his lower lip gets trapped beneath his teeth. It's not often that he has some sense of human experience that Dean doesn't, and if this was less intense he'd say so. It's something he's going to save for afterward, for now, he was too wanting to do anything but watch him with rapt attention.]
( It's not often Dean's at a loss for what to do, or, he doesn't know what to do next. He's well versed in a lot, especially sex (with women), but he also doesn't want to hurt Cas, or cause him any pain. He knows there's pain he can't escape, it's going to be painful at first, stretching him out. If Cas hasn't had that much experience. But, he'll feel better if he's guided. At least for their first time. )
[Something about Dean being concerned for his wellbeing, knowing full well that he had his grace again and that his threshold was already supernaturally high warms him to his core. The smile that had previously been coy blossoms into a brand new animal and Castiel, clearly unbothered by Dean's request grabs the hand that had the lube and guides it toward him.]
One finger first, then two, use the lube to make it easier. [It's not unlike being with a woman, there's some differences but they'd come around to them later. He had confidence in Dena's sexual prowess, he knew it would fill in the blanks.]
( Dean nods, pressing his finger up against his entrance, locking eyes with him as he pushes in, light at first, slowly, just his pointer finger. His tongue rests against his lower lip, pulling his finger back out and entering again. )
[It's different, to be sure, and Castiel never quite gets used to zeroing in on that the feeling of it a slow burn, a warmth that fills him from head to toe. Dean's fingers are long, large, the knuckles warped from being reset and the familiarity curls into his gut makes his dick a little harder - but there was no paying it heed now.
His eyes are on Dean's, agog, following the path of his tongue over his lower lip.] That's- it's good. Good.
( One finger becomes two as he feels Castiel loosen. He still doesn't hasten his movement, preferring to work him just enough, to ready him, to ignite this real fire between them, he himself hardening at the sight of Castiel reacting. Arousing Cas is arousing to him. It's always been like that, do a girl just right, drive her wild, that'll get him every time. But, like everything else with Cas, this is different. )
[It's slow in a way that makes it impossible for Castiel not to focus on Dean's fingers and Dean alone. Dean inside of him and claiming him in a way he'd never let himself entertain before now. Before this city and the totality of what they'd been through.
After the addition of a second finger Castiel's thighs tighten, and Dean always good at seeing past the surface of things manages to graze a place in him that makes his toes curl and his knees lock up.]
( That's it, that's the pleasure he likes working him toward, but he can't take him too far, not when he's not inside him yet. No, he wants Castiel nice and slow, to do this right. Sober. And right. )
[Castiel could stave off the oncoming climax if it meant being closer to Dean, but it being him also made it that much more difficult. Dean, who had this way of unraveling his defenses since the day they'd met. He had a way of disarming him that Castiel hadn't experienced with anyone else, mortal or otherwise.]
( Dean removes his fingers, pulling down at his underwear. He contorts himself as he pushes it down his thighs, moving side to side as he finally kicks it off one leg. He's already standing at attention, ready to do this for real.
He crawls closer again and sits up, positioning himself at Castiel's entrance. He squeezes another dollop of lube into his hand and rubs it along his length. Touching the sensitive tip of his penis, he knows he's ready. He sucks in a breath, his mouth forming an o-shape before he pushes in lightly, a less assured exhalation following. He knows he's not small, just this side of above average. If it's a lot for some women, he imagines it's something for men or a male vessel. )
[Castiel's gotten used to it, the feeling of something else besides himself inside the vessel that's tied him in at the seams. It's a welcome shape, a body he's come to consider his own despite its origins. He's been restructured and sewn back into it more times than he could count, and now - now Dean was here with him, and the knowledge of it drives him wild more than the sensation.
It's a lot yes, but durability lent him to be remarkably open to the feeling. He wasn't human, and so he didn't focus on human things or see them in the banal human way others might. Castiel pushes his head back into the pillow, his legs separate to make more room for Dean. It's good, getting past the slow tear and the thick heat. It's Dean, and doing this with him starts that same fluttering he doesn't know how to explain. Rather than think about it, or focus too deeply on what's happening for fear of spilling over too soon, Castiel grabs Dean close by a fistful of his hair and loses a shaky sigh in his mouth when he meets his lips.]
( He concentrates first on entering, and then Cas captures his mouth. That's when he begins in earnest, backing off and pushing forward, fucking him, autopilot taking over. But, it's so much more than just a dirty word. He can only describe it as a religious act. It starts physical but turns spiritual and fuck off with the angel talk, because it's more than that, it's Cas in any vessel, in any universe in any time. And right now, he's in this universe, in this time, underneath Dean with Dean inside him.
He's always given himself over to pleasure, usually to the benefit of his partner, but rarely has he been as present as he is here and now inside Castiel. He's not thinking of his next hunt or of the body below him, but the spirit, but the love he showed him, the sacrifice he made for him.
And now, letting him do this, the most intimate thing you can do - guy-to-guy.
And it feels different. It's tighter, it's warmer, it's hotter. Is this what he's been missing on the other side of the fence? )
[Castiel has no chance to be analytical, or decisive about his movements because Dean is pushing him into the mattress beneath them with each thrust and all Castiel can do is rise up to meet him swept away by the experience.
Once the kiss breaks, Castiel keeps his hands on Dean when he can. The wings of his shoulders, the side of his arms. Anything to more touching, to experience more of this - this thing he wouldn't even let himself think about. He feels exalted by it, the pouring of passion and the gravity of everything and he wraps his legs around Dean's waist locking his feet at the ankles over the small of his back so he could get better traction, go in deeper.
Dean feels good, better than, and Castiel meets his gaze with his lips parted, the breath beat out of him from what they're doing and the control it takes not to spill out of his vessel completely.]
Edited (thanks dw i feel bullied) 2022-03-02 18:56 (UTC)
( Cas can when he pleases because Dean won't think any less of him. It's early or 'Dean early,' so he's not going to last much longer, not entwined and deep inside like this, but still he pushes, he thrusts, he moves with Cas' body and moves Cas with him. )
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( Even though history could repeat itself. He's heard he left the first time, left Castiel alone. That the city tends to intervene and take and take. He flicks the lube closed again. )
Is it true you don't remember anything when you're under? That you're just living our life and then you're back?
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It's true. It took a while for every memory to return.
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And now that they're back?
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It's intimate, in a way that Castiel hasn't let himself be with Dean yet but those memories compiled with these ones, he feels bolder than they were normally.] Everything I experienced. Yes. The snow, the flowers, your birthday at the bar...
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( But, it suited his purpose. )
Sorry I didn't ask you to stay longer.
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[Not that Castiel understands the purpose of it, to begin with, it was more a celebration of surviving another year. Being that Dean so often didn't see his worth or refused to recognize his successes it was on-brand for him to not make much of a thing about his day of birth.]
I made an appearance but I knew you'd want some time to yourself when all was said and done.
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With -- some due respect, you didn't ask. You keep assuming what I want, what I need, offering yourself up, saying I don't owe you anything. Promise me, you're going to start thinking for yourself, and stop assuming what I want. Say more, Cas. When in doubt, ask. I wasn't kicking you out of my birthday. But I knew you also weren't ... on my page.
( Well, this is quickly spiraling. )
When all was said and done, yeah. But, all wasn't said and done until late.
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I can't promise you that, but I will promise to do my best. I won't make assumptions and I'll speak to my concerns. [Even in the totality of having freedom he still had a cause to follow, things that drove his ambitions. Much as he might not want to be, Castiel was a creature of habit and he was predisposed to it. Wired that way.] I knew you weren't kicking me out.
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Long as you know I wanted you there with me.
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( He slips Cas' underwear lower, over his ass and down his legs. He's not used to it being like this, to being in his right mind. And maybe Cas' dick isn't what he's thinking about (or his hole, gross, is that what guys call it), but sex itself, and doing this with Cas, this propels his actions. He does remember Cas - Jimmy's penis - in his hand and in his mouth, and it's different like this, half hard and waiting for Dean's finger.
His dick.
Picking up the lube, he snaps it open and squeezes a little along one finger. Snapping it closed again, rubbing it in. )
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( It's not often Dean's at a loss for what to do, or, he doesn't know what to do next. He's well versed in a lot, especially sex (with women), but he also doesn't want to hurt Cas, or cause him any pain. He knows there's pain he can't escape, it's going to be painful at first, stretching him out. If Cas hasn't had that much experience. But, he'll feel better if he's guided. At least for their first time. )
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One finger first, then two, use the lube to make it easier. [It's not unlike being with a woman, there's some differences but they'd come around to them later. He had confidence in Dena's sexual prowess, he knew it would fill in the blanks.]
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His eyes are on Dean's, agog, following the path of his tongue over his lower lip.] That's- it's good. Good.
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After the addition of a second finger Castiel's thighs tighten, and Dean always good at seeing past the surface of things manages to graze a place in him that makes his toes curl and his knees lock up.]
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You gotta tell me when.
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[Castiel could stave off the oncoming climax if it meant being closer to Dean, but it being him also made it that much more difficult. Dean, who had this way of unraveling his defenses since the day they'd met. He had a way of disarming him that Castiel hadn't experienced with anyone else, mortal or otherwise.]
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He crawls closer again and sits up, positioning himself at Castiel's entrance. He squeezes another dollop of lube into his hand and rubs it along his length. Touching the sensitive tip of his penis, he knows he's ready. He sucks in a breath, his mouth forming an o-shape before he pushes in lightly, a less assured exhalation following. He knows he's not small, just this side of above average. If it's a lot for some women, he imagines it's something for men or a male vessel. )
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It's a lot yes, but durability lent him to be remarkably open to the feeling. He wasn't human, and so he didn't focus on human things or see them in the banal human way others might. Castiel pushes his head back into the pillow, his legs separate to make more room for Dean. It's good, getting past the slow tear and the thick heat. It's Dean, and doing this with him starts that same fluttering he doesn't know how to explain. Rather than think about it, or focus too deeply on what's happening for fear of spilling over too soon, Castiel grabs Dean close by a fistful of his hair and loses a shaky sigh in his mouth when he meets his lips.]
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He's always given himself over to pleasure, usually to the benefit of his partner, but rarely has he been as present as he is here and now inside Castiel. He's not thinking of his next hunt or of the body below him, but the spirit, but the love he showed him, the sacrifice he made for him.
And now, letting him do this, the most intimate thing you can do - guy-to-guy.
And it feels different. It's tighter, it's warmer, it's hotter. Is this what he's been missing on the other side of the fence? )
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Once the kiss breaks, Castiel keeps his hands on Dean when he can. The wings of his shoulders, the side of his arms. Anything to more touching, to experience more of this - this thing he wouldn't even let himself think about. He feels exalted by it, the pouring of passion and the gravity of everything and he wraps his legs around Dean's waist locking his feet at the ankles over the small of his back so he could get better traction, go in deeper.
Dean feels good, better than, and Castiel meets his gaze with his lips parted, the breath beat out of him from what they're doing and the control it takes not to spill out of his vessel completely.]
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You ever think we'd get this close?
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